What am I doing?

You know how you agree to do something because it seemed like a good idea at the time and it was a long way off and then it's a couple of days away and suddenly it seems like not so much.

I am supposed to be attending a 'farewell assembly' on Monday 22May afternoon.  Having second thoughts.  I guess I'm doing it for others not for myself.  It really is the last thing I want to do.  I'm suppose I'm hoping for some sort of closure at best ... at worst I'll get fed.  So long as I'm not expected to say too much - because I might just say too much.

There's part of me that wants to 'rage against' the whole unfairness of it all, it's not like I'm the first person this has happened to and although I may hope to the contrary I won't be the last.  It's surprising how quickly you can outlive your perceived usefulness and although the management have a responsibility to 'help' it's really just lip service.  I have to doubt the wisdom of a system where when you fail an observation you get another observation - yay!

That and I'm basically paranoid.

They think it's all over ... Oh it is.

Was that it?

19 years on the teaching staff and an over 30 year association, including working as a TA and teacher for four different heads, acting and serving as a school governor and goodness knows how many assemblies and story sessions and it has just come to an end.  Very very quietly ...

Oh I got an e mail thanking me, it was supposed to be a letter but that got lost in the system somewhere, was barely two paragraphs maybe 10 lines at the most once you'd taken out the opening and closing sentences.

Where to re cap from?

Well after being, what's the word? Kicked out of Early Years and into KS2, Year 4 to be precise - I was basically told I was a bit crap at every opportunity by the Senior Management team and I had enough and went off sick.  Lot's of therapy and increasing amounts of medication - I attempted to make a return to work - only there was really no job!  I was given a title Pupil Premium lead and a group of children, pupil premium children and was supposed to work with them but not all of them, some had already been written off and there was no point spending time with them.  And I was allowed to teach one afternoon a week in Y6 and Y2 alternately.  Anyway after a term which with my phased return to work and various other things meant I had taught 3 Y6 afternoons and 2 Y2 afternoons about the equivalent of less than a week of teaching time I was observed two weeks in a row and basically slated for both lessons.  The easiest thing was to go mad and go off.  Long story short I was not getting any better so I wrote a resignation letter, gave my terms notice and went on my weary way feeling unloved, unappreciated and unwanted.

So that was it.  I checked on newsletters from the school no mention of my leaving, I have checked the jobs websites for the job of a pupil premium lead at St Andrew's - no sign!  Funny that! But I suspected it wasn't a 'real' job in the first place.  This week I have seen in two different places adverts for an Early Years teacher and a KS1 teacher.  Depends where you look. Is this two jobs or one job?  Put out feelers on Facebook but no one is coming back to me yet.  Maybe they don't know!  I was at the doctors surgery next to the school and met a couple of year six children and stopped to have a chat over the wall and my impression is that they don't know that I have gone,  Now I'm not sure what it's like where you work but when people leave don't you at least get a card ...?

So I have left St Andrew's - I have spent most my adult (Ha!) life involved with that place and basically nothing!  If I wasn't highly medicated I'd find it a little bit hurtful.

I'm not expecting anything.

I have asked for explanations as to why I had to leave Early Years (when I was so happy there!) but have never been given one, not one that makes sense anyway.  Professional development was mentioned, but I'm 55 years old with dodgy knees I only had about 5 years left in me anyway with the little ones so I'm not sure how much professional development I needed it's not like I was looking to become a head or anything, I'm not nearly spiteful enough or full of my own sense of self importance.  The sad thing is that when you are not given a satisfactory narrative you find your own.  And that narrative becomes 'true' for you however far from the facts it may be and it colours all your remembrances of encounters that you may have had.  My narrative is shrouded in conspiracy and paranoia - none of which may be true but all of which feels true to me.

So was that it?

Mid season break!

The old saying is there are three good reasons to be a teacher - Christmas, Easter and Summer! 6 if you include the good old half term breaks.  Which I am now in. Made it. Survived a term with my headspace largely intact.  I guess my overwhelming feeling from the term is one of 'meh!'  But that might just be an effect of the medication.  I'm less bothered by circumstances but less excited too.  Which is a problem.  I'd like to be able to describe my new role in school but I'm not sure that I can.  I think I am doing a Teaching Assistants job but for lots more money.  Which is fine ... I like money.  It's just not that satisfying and I still miss the sheer excitement and day to day lunacy of working with Early Years.  Made the mistake at a recent book look of looking at the Foundation Stage learning journals - do so miss it.

The good news is that I still have to go through an observation cycle for 'appraisal' purposes!  The better news is I have one on the week we go back but that's ages away!  Now a full time class teacher teaches 190 days a year or 380 sessions of a morning or afternoon give or take 10% PPA (preparation, planning and assessment) time.  I class teach .1 so 19 days a year or 38 sessions.  They get three observations a year so one every 63 teaching days (ish) and I also have three observations a year so one every 6 days (ish).  My observation will happen on my sixth class teaching session (my third with year 6) so that'd be like a regular teacher having an observed lesson on the Wednesday of the first week of term.  Anyway there's no use complaining or trying to point this out or that at my last occupational health assessment it was pointed out that this would/could be quite damaging to my health.  It's the times we live in folks.

My crystal ball prediction is that the lesson will be graded 'requires improvement' or just a little bit crap.

We'll see.  I'll report back later.

On a much more positive note I had a lovely time at another local primary school telling stories to their reception and Year 1 classes and drawing at the same time.  I was very anxious beforehand but I was well received and it all went very well.  So a big shout out to Weston All Saints Primary school in particular their Little Wasps!

apologies

It's been nearly two years since my last post!

Soz!


Maybe I should explain.  There I was so happy as an early years practitioner when the senior managers decided it was time to move me.  The reason given was, well there wasn't one really.  From what I understand I needed to be moved because I hadn't moved the year before!  I imagine there were other reasons but no one was saying anything. Well at least not to me.  So I got moved into year 4 (8 and 9 year olds).  Long story short it did not go well.  And the senior management team took great joy in reminding me every opportunity they got to tell me it wasn't going well and February 2016 I went off with anxiety and depression.  What my Occupational Health Doctor described as 'knackered, under appreciated and pissed off syndrome'. He wasn't far wrong!

Anyway it is now September and I am going back.  Actually been back for two Inset days. WOFT.

I don't have a class and I don't think I'm going to get one.

So I'm back to work.  Medicated. But not dedicated.

Shanghaied

Lots on Breakfast telly this week about Chinese Maths teachers coming to teach and train English maths teachers.
Couple of interesting points firstly Chinese Maths teachers just teach maths at primary age whereas english teachers are 'expected to be jacks of all trades' which was said in a very disparaging way.

Secondly and it was said by a Chinese teacher right at the end of the interview and probably missed that Chinese children don't start formal school until age 7.

There's a lot of talk of school readiness in early years usually meaning are they ready for a diet of listening and sitting in one place!  But it is right that children need to be ready to learn.  And I wonder as we head towards assessing and therefore some would argue failing children age 2 if we are going in the wrong direction.  It's the one thing that government ministers don't notice when they visit these places - the children are older!

TEA

I have started drinking tea.  I don’t really like it!  I like coffee, strong black coffee, espresso ideally.  But I have found that I really can’t drink it after noon or I just do not sleep. 

The reason I have started drinking tea is because I am trying to fit in.  People drink tea.  They are a bit weird about it with their ‘teaspoon of milk’ or ‘just wave the bag over the cup’ and their ‘two and a half sugars please.’  Anyway it appears to be a social thing as much as anything so in a vain attempt to be ‘part of the team’ I have started saying ‘Yes please’ as an answer to the query ‘Tea?’ instead of ‘Yugh! Why would you?’  I’d like to say that I really like tea and it’s changed my life.  But it’s still a bit yucky.  It’s all right but I could give it up tomorrow or right now!  But I mustn’t ‘I need to fit in’.  So I am drinking tea.  Small thing I know, but I do think it’s a bit needy of me. 

It’s because I have been told that I need to fit in.  It’s all part of being in a team.  Being a valuable member of staff.  Valuable or valued? I think it’s a bit of a lie myself about the value of people in some school teams.  Because if for whatever reason you go off sick you are soon replaced.  I know you have to be – I get that entirely before the point is made about the children needing a teacher in that class (actually there’s a whole question for 5X5X5 there!) but our place is like Chile in the 70s we have our own ‘disappeared’ – teachers do just vanish and nothing is said.

Actually my main motivation for trying this whole team thing is otherwise I am going to be stuck on the same pay level for the rest of my career (Ha! Career? I crack myself up sometimes?).  Though I think it says something about my attitude, understanding of money, that I have been 6 years on the same pay grade (apart from the 40% reduction along with the 40% in hours) and not noticed! D’oh!  I thought that UPS1 was a pay band and there were points within it … But there aren’t! Oh dear? 

Anyway to progress you have to be an extrovert. No sorry I mean you have to make substantial contributions to the school.  All a bit tricky on a part time contract, even trickier if you thought you were making a contribution and nobody noticed.  Actually there is almost no difference between UPS1 and UPS2 in terms of expectations. 

The sad thing is I am drinking tea because I am trying to fit in and be liked.

There’s no I in team but there is me! And tea! And meat.

Why Would You Do That? Why?

I’m an introvert in an extrovert world.  Not just the world itself but education is becoming more a hang out for extroverts.  Which makes it hard for introvert learners!  The whole system is geared towards extrovert children.  The whole ‘3 B4 me’ culture – which is basically as a learner you have to go to three ‘friends’ before you can bother the teacher with something you don’t understand. There is an emphasis on groupwork and being part of a team.  Now as a youngster I enjoyed team sports, football but only when I knew my role and was happiest as cross country or 800m runner.  I get team.  I’m just not sure I want to be part of one!

Case in point: Had two training opportunities this week – well that’s how they were described to me.  Not sure that they were really?  There’s a lot of so called CPD – continuous professional development that’s very amateur and does no developing.  Seem to spend a lot of time looking at tiny graphs. 

Quick sidetrack – if the graph is illegible in colour on the big screen what makes it more legible on those black and white powerpoint printouts they give you at these events – you know the ones!  And if you don’t, well you are very very lucky!

Anyway, at both of these events it was said ‘Go and talk to someone you don’t know.’  Which apparently some people find very acceptable to both say and do.  They are happy to go up to strangers and give them their opinions and hear what that stranger has to say. They even enjoy it.  I think these people might be extroverts. 

I, on the other hand, DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE I DON’T KNOW!  Why?  BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW THEM!  You answered your own query.  And I don’t understand why you would want to talk to someone you didn’t know.  Didn’t you people get the stranger danger talk when you were little.  Were you not listening?

Yet at every so called ‘training event’ I go to, I am asked to do this.  I find it hard enough to talk to people I do know.  People who may even call me a friend.  And when you are uncomfortable in this situation which I am – it is made out to be a fault of some sort.  People ask ‘If anything is wrong?’  Well apart from the whole situation!!  Apart from the whole world!  No, everything is fine!  It’s not that I don’t have thoughts and feelings about this – I just don’t feel the need to share them with you! Thanks!

Please don’t ask me to talk to someone I don’t know, especially with no time to rehearse what I might say.  Especially without at least half a bottle of a good red wine inside me!